The more you know, the more you realize how much you don’t know.” I’ve heard this phrase before, and I thought I knew what it meant. Well, I guess I know what it means, but I never knew how it felt. My return to the Warren has been fruitful to an extent. I’ve been massively plagued by visions and hallucinations, yes, and it is true I almost went insane in public… BUT as I’ve said, this has been a tremendous period of growth. What I’ve discovered about myself so far has been positive, enlightening, invigorating, but reality has set in. The joy of discovery is still in me, but not everything I’ve gleaned from my time here has been constructive.
My free and wandering spirit has been my identity. The boundlessness I enjoyed filled every fibre of my being, and I truly believed that this was me. Wild, unfettered, content. I never gave a thought to my subconscious or in peeling away that which I’ve put up to filter undesirable emotions. But because of these watershed events, I have pulled open my eye socket and shoved my face deep into my inner psyche. What does this all mean? I’ve unearthed a pitiful fact: I am profoundly sad. How could I have not known this? I mean, if someone is sad, deeply sad, how could they not notice? I think maybe, just maybe, that I’ve actually known this all along, and my subconscious mind pushed me to run, to distract myself with movement as much as possible in order for me to remain ignorant of this fact. If accurate, it worked. I haven’t felt this level of sadness before I learned of it. Now that this painful tidbit is front and center, months and months of pent up melancholy are making up for lost time. It’s okay, I can take it. I’ve weathered so much of this shifting squall of emotions since leaving the Surface, so the proverbial bullet must be bit, crushed between my teeth if need be.
Such a flood of sorrow requires a soundtrack, and I believe I have its musical counterpart. Tenhi’s “Varpuspäivä (Sparrow-Day)” is such a gorgeous representation of my state of being, I feel that I need to share it with you because my words do not and cannot properly articulate how I feel, at least to me. Expressing myself in this way is still unfamiliar to me, but Tenhi props me up and pushes me towards it. I need at least someone to know, and holding it in is no longer a privilege I can enjoy. From what I know they are from Finland, a cold, snowy, wooded land filled with a rich history of folklore. I would love to go there once I leave the Warren, but alas, I do not believe I’ll be able to.